“He/she doesn’t understand me” is a common lament amongst couples who consult me for relationship counseling. Historically, this has been most commonly voiced by women when complaining about their husbands or boyfriends. It is what prompted many pop psych books to hit the bookstores. Increasingly, however, the men who come seeking psychotherapy or relationship counseling have been expressing similar sentiments. More and more men are finding that their relationships are less fulfilling, often leaving them feeling as though something were missing. One 35 year old expressed it as, “she just doesn’t get me.” Others have given vent to similar sentiments saying, “she does not know me.” These men want to be heard, to be known, to be seen. Often their partners appear perplexed; they don’t get it. It is not because they are stupid. It mostly because they don’t expect to hear these sentiments expressed by men. In the movie, Avatar, the couple expresses it as “I see you” referring to the experience of really knowing the person to whom they are connecting, knowing them from the inside out. So now both men and women have expressed variants on the same theme. What is it that these folks are looking for? What do they want from their mate? Both want to be seen, heard, understood in ways different from their common expectations of one another. Both want a sense of connection with one another that goes beyond solely the exchange of information.

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