Do you always want solutions when you share a problem with a friend? When you discuss your concerns with a friend, do you appreciate suggestions? Are you one of those people who have a closet full of suggestions and advice just itching for a problem to solve? Do you have difficulty maintaining intimate connections and use advice as a way to feel engaged?
There’s an old maxim that says, “To he who has but a hammer, everything looks like a nail.” There are people in this world whose mission it is to solve other people’s problems. They believe that they have answers to all problems. They feel good about themselves when they offer advice. As well meaning as these folks may be, they are often being insensitive to the real needs of others. Sometimes that is all they believe they have to offer. It is difficult for these people to understand that often when people share their travails, problems, concerns, or issues they are seeking a sympathetic ear, not solutions. Most people can solve their own problems, but they cannot be an empathic listener to themselves. That is why, to a large extent, people seek out psychotherapy. Many people have complained that their spouse doesn’t listen – they offer solutions instead. They then feel dismissed as if their mate were dismissing them with a quick-fix and is not willing to really listen to the nuance of what is being said. And their mate feels unappreciated because their advice is discounted or ignored.
Psychologists are trained to listen. We are not trained to solve the myriad problems presented to us on a daily basis. We are trained to “listen with a third ear”, as described by the eminent psychoanalyst Theodore Reik. To listen deeply to the meaning of what someone else is saying takes training and practice. In this problem-solving world in which we live, people seldom take the time to listen. With such deep listening, the patient feels fully understood. When patients feels fully understood, they are often more capable of solving their own problems. As patients feel understood, their anxiety decreases and the cloud of confusion dissipates. In this clearer environment, patients can see their own solutions. Although I’ve described this in terms of a psychological setting, this same process works in most relationships.
Women are usually much more able to listen than men. Men usually want to fix things; they want to solve problems. Today, however, as more women enter the once male dominated work place, they appear to be losing the ability to truly listen. Many have adopted the male problem solver mentality.
I often have experienced trying to share my own thoughts, feelings, and concerns with people only to have them try to solve what they perceive as a problem. Even when I tell them, “please, stop trying to solve my problem and instead try to understand the feeling behind the problem. I am perfectly capable of solving my own problems. What I need is a friend who is comfortable listening to me as I struggle” they often cannot resist trying to be helpful. Of course, I then stop talking with them about the things that are on my mind. These people don’t realize that they have aborted the potential intimacy between us.
Not all help is helpful. I am reminded of the Boy Scout who sees an old woman standing on a street corner. In his zeal to be helpful, and to earn a merit badge, he insists on helping her across the street. She struggles with him but the boy is strong and persistent. Upon reaching the other side of street feeling proud of himself, he looks at the woman with a smile on his face. She responds by hitting him with her purse saying, “Sonny, it took me a half-hour to get to the other side of the street where you found me!” Some people have difficulty engaging with others. Intimacy is difficult for them. Connecting in a deep and meaningful way either frightens them or leaves them feeling helpless. They develop their sense of self-worth in their ability to be helpful. Unless there is a problem to solve, they feel uneasy. So they offer help; it is difficult for them to just be with someone as that person struggles. It easier for them to solve the problem.
Advice and suggestions are not always bad. But before offering either, one must be certain of two things: first, that your advice or suggestions are wanted; and, second, that you are sure that you are offering your advice or suggestions for the benefit of the recipient and not for your own need to feel good about yourself or for personal gain.
I must confess that, as my family members will attest, I am not always good at following my own advice. But, more often than not, I ask whether advice or suggestions are wanted; I try to wait for an invitation to be helpful and ascertain whether my help is desired. And if so, what type of help is wanted.
Too often we may offer the type of help that we would want or what we think is warranted, rather than finding out what is required. Offering the help that you feel is necessary is similar to offering someone food when they need understanding, or a hammer when they need understanding. Or solving a problem when they need a hug.
And to make matters worse, some people become angry when their help is declined. Many people seem to believe that their advice, suggestions and help are like gold and become irate when others don’t accept their gold with gratitude. They cannot comprehend why their gold is being rejected; and they end up feeling personally rejected. When with these people, one often feels obligated to accept the help offered for fear of offending the them or losing their friendship. I think of this as emotional blackmail. It is as though these people are saying, “if you value me, you will value my help; and if you don’t, you are rejecting me.”
In conclusion, not all help — no matter how well meaning — is helpful. It behooves us all to become a bit more introspective as to our motives for being helpful, and a lot more circumspect in our offering of help. Sometimes help isn’t helpful; sometimes it can be inappropriate. On the other hand, sometimes not offering help when help is required can be equally inappropriate, such as standing idly by when someone is being mugged or when someone is injured in a car accident.
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Tags: awareness, communication, dialogue, human connection, intimacy, Personal Growth, relationship
Aw, this was a really great post. In theory I’d like to write like this also – taking time and real effort to make a good article… but what can I say… I procrastinate a lot and never seem to get something done.