“He/she doesn’t understand me” is a common lament amongst couples who consult me for relationship counseling. Historically, this has been most commonly voiced by women when complaining about their husbands or boyfriends. It is what prompted many pop psych books to hit the bookstores. Increasingly, however, the men who come seeking psychotherapy or relationship counseling have been expressing similar sentiments. More and more men are finding that their relationships are less fulfilling, often leaving them feeling as though something were missing. One 35 year old expressed it as, “she just doesn’t get me.” Others have given vent to similar sentiments saying, “she does not know me.” These men want to be heard, to be known, to be seen. Often their partners appear perplexed; they don’t get it. It is not because they are stupid. It mostly because they don’t expect to hear these sentiments expressed by men. In the movie, Avatar, the couple expresses it as “I see you” referring to the experience of really knowing the person to whom they are connecting, knowing them from the inside out. So now both men and women have expressed variants on the same theme. What is it that these folks are looking for? What do they want from their mate? Both want to be seen, heard, understood in ways different from their common expectations of one another. Both want a sense of connection with one another that goes beyond solely the exchange of information.

Basically, there are two types of dialogue. One is primarily for the purpose of transmitting information. Information exchange is the most common form of conversation. Two people engage one another in a conversation; they may exchange information about the comings and going in their life. They may share thoughts about an activity or event. They may give information for the purpose of accomplishing a goal or completing a task. I refer to this type of conversation as “head talk” insofar as it is a cognitive activity that requires little on the part of either person by way of self-disclosure, emotional interaction, empathic responsiveness. Head talk is not designed for connecting.

Heart talk is different. This type of dialogue is designed to facilitate an emotional connection between two people. In the dialogue, questions about one another stems from a genuine curiosity about the other person; it is a strong desire to know how the other thinks and feels. It is not for the purpose of argument; it is non-competitive. It is sharing, seeking points of connection. With heart talk the parties want to know and be known. There is vulnerability and disclosure. Heart talk is a prelude to intimacy. Heart talk takes effort. Often it is not easy to reveal oneself, to share experiences, to remove the public armor that we often maintain to protect ourselves from criticism. With heart talk, there are no judgments being made. When we engage in heart talk, we are present, in the moment, fully experiencing one another. Each party experiences and senses from one another the desire to connect. We know when someone is truly listening to us and when they are merely waiting to talk. Heart talk is palpable.

Both forms of dialogue are an important part of human discourse. Heart talk is the language of connection, whereas head talk is the language of information processing. Too often we are trained to engage in head talk at the expense of heart talk. Some have to learn heart talk as adults. It can be learned, but it takes practice. Head talk takes little effort; it seems very natural. Think of how often people attempt to talk someone out of their feelings; think how often we talk ourselves out of our feelings. If we are successful, we turn everything into head talk; we end up dissociated from our feelings. When this happens it makes connecting with another person difficult.

[Please add your thoughts and experiences on this topic in the comment section of this blog.  This blog is intended as a forum for folks to raise issues, share experiences, and promote dialogue on important issues of contemporay life.   Please sign up as a Facebook Fan at www.docdreyfus.com/fanpage. For additional information about me and my practice, please visit my website at www.DocDreyfus.com. ]

Tags: communication, dialogue, human connection, intimacy, relationship

This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 6th, 2010 at 4:40 am and is filed under Personal Growth, Psychology, Relationships, Self-help. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.