Often patients who have experienced a loss of a loved one will ask, “What’s the point of grieving? It does not bring the person back.” Others have remarked that they have never grieved the loss of a parent or pet indicating that they wish they could “cry or something.” Most of these folks consider themselves stoic, able to control their emotions. Some have indicated that they are afraid that if they started to grieve they could not stop. They fear that the pain would be overwhelming.
So what is the point of grieving? Why is it necessary for psychological health?
Human beings are hardwired to be connected to one another. Beginning from birth (and even before) the infant seeks to attach to its mother. The quality of the mother-infant bond will determine in large measure the nature of the child’s attachment to others in it’s world. Attachment falls on a continuum. A secure attachment will make it easier for a child, and subsequently an adult, to attach to others. By the same token, an insecure attachment will make attaching to others more difficult. Some children develop what is known as an avoidant form of attachment. That is, during infancy an attachment to the mother did not occur often as a function of the mother’s not being emotionally available to her infant. Fortunately, most of us experience a positive attachment though not necessarily a perfectly secure attachment. (For more about attachment theory, click here).
This attachment allows us to emotionally invest in another person, trusting that they will be available, and letting ourselves feel love toward another person or pet. Some people, because of their attachment history, are much more able to attach to animals than to people. Nonetheless, the experience of attachment is the same. And when that attachment is severed as a function of death or other form of separation, we experience a sense of loss. The magnitude of the loss experienced will be proportionate to the degree of attachment. That experience of loss is termed grief. And the process of mourning the loss is what we refer to as grieving.
Grieving is an integral part of attachment and love. Expressing grief is the flip side of expressing love. Some people don’t express either. They might experience both, but for them it is an internal process. Other people never experience grief and they rarely experience love. Many are afraid to love because they know that they will have to experience grief should the relationship end. They are so afraid that they would not be able to handle the grief that they prevent themselves from loving.
Grief let’s us know that we have loved. Grieving honors the loved one and the relationship between them and our self. Just as loving was a process of attaching to another person, grieving is a way of detaching and subsequently letting go such that we can move on, not forgetting, but remembering the joy. It is this joy that allows us to attach again. Grieving is an important part of healing from loss. It is a process by which we say goodbye to a loved one, allow the pain to wash over and through us, remembering the joy and pleasure of the attachment and, as the pain eases, we are left with wonderful memories.
If we do not allow ourselves to grieve, we will stunt our ability to attach. We will cheat ourselves of the joy of deeply connecting with another person. We will have difficulty remembering the joy if we hold onto the pain. If we do not grieve effectively, we stunt our own growth and will find it difficult to attach again. And we may find it difficult to remember the joy thereby tarnishing the memory of our loved one.
[Dr. Dreyfus is a nationally recognized clinical psychologist, relationship counselor, sex therapist, and life coach in the Santa Monica - Los Angeles area treating low sexual desire, premature ejaculation, sexual addictions, drug and alcohol abuse as well marriage and relationship communication and intimacy issues. The profits from his latest book, LIVING LIFE FROM THE INSIDE OUT along with his other five books, are being donated to charity through the website Book Royalties for Charity and can be purchased through Amazon.com. Please become a fan on his Facebook Fan Page by indicating "like" on the page by clicking here. You can also find more tools to help you experience a more fulfilling life by clicking here to visit his website.]
Tags: awareness, Grieving, human connection, intimacy, living consciously, Personal Growth, Relationships
