Bonnie Ware is a hospice nurse. During the course of her years working with people who were dying she questioned them about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently; common themes surfaced again and again. We all should learn from these patients now, while we are alive, and while we can do something today to minimize these regrets. The message is clear. As Steve Jobs said in his commencement address to the graduating class at Stanford in 2005, Every day I look in the mirror and ask myself, “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something. What he was advising in that address was to live each day as fully as possible focusing on following your passion, connecting with others, and make a difference in the world.
The following are the most common regrets expressed by the hospice patients:
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. I see people every day who are living their parents’ life, a life prescribed by others, or by society. They live a life that they believe would meet the approval of others rather than fulfilling their own dreams and ambitions. At the end of the day, the only person that we should honor is the person in the mirror; h/she is the person who will be with us to the end.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
“This came from every male patient that I nursed”, said Bonnie Ware. “They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.”
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle. There never was a person who, at the moment of dying said, “I wish I spent more time in the office.”
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result. We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying. I have many patients today who are lamenting the paucity of friendships in their life. They look back wistfully at days gone by and the friendships they had in their youth. Often people have fallen out of touch with family as well as friends without realizing just how important these relationships were until it is too late.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many hospice patients did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again. When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.
In the words of Bonnie Ware, “Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.” And in the words of Steve Jobs, “Stay hungry, stay foolish.”
[Dr. Dreyfus is a nationally recognized clinical psychologist, relationship counselor, sex therapist, and life coach in the Santa Monica - Los Angeles . The profits from his latest book, LIVING LIFE FROM THE INSIDE OUT along with his other five books, are being donated to charity through the website Book Royalties for Charity and can be purchased through Amazon.com. Please become a fan on his Facebook Fan Page by indicating "like" on the page by clicking here. You can also find more tools to help you experience a more fulfilling life by clicking here to visit his website.]
Tags: awareness, human connection, life changes, life enrichment, living consciously, men and masculinity, men and work, mindfulness, Personal Growth
