The world is a very different place than it was in 1950 and way different than it was 100 years ago. Yet some of our ideas about marriage have not kept pace with the changing times.  For many years the model for marriage placed women in a secondary position to men.  In many parts of the world this hasn’t changed.

Not too long ago there were mail-order brides. Wedding vows said “I now pronounce you man and wife,” suggesting that a married woman becomes the role of a wife.  Men refer to the little woman and think of their wives as their most valuable possession.  They think they are being sweet, but in both instances they have reduced the woman to a diminutive “little” and a possession called wife, while all the while the man remains the “man”.

I believe that one of contributing factors to the high divorce rate in the U.S. and other advanced nations, is that we continue to hold fast to a single model of marriage that may have outlived its usefulness for many people.  And perhaps it is this singular model of marriage that inhibits many people from thinking about getting married at all. I have many male patients who fear marriage because of the model to which they adhere.  They believe that they cannot afford to get married because it is their sole responsibility for financially supporting the family.  It was a model that was handed down through generations where the roles of husbands and wives were clearly spelled out.  Where each felt obliged to follow the rules and if one could not, then either they were entering a second class marriage or they would avoid it altogether.

I still believe that marriage is a viable institution, but it is in need of an overhaul.  We need to move away from the “one size fits all” paradigm and develop a variety of marriage models to suit different people and circumstances.  In the remainder of this blog post I will describe several models of marriage, ranging from the traditional to alternative marriage styles.

• Traditional marriage (TM).  This model goes back many generations.  It is fundamentally a patriarchal marriage where the man receives a dowry from his wife’s parents for taking the woman off their hands.  Authority is passed down from her father to the husband.  We see vestiges of this model when the bride’s parents give the wedding as a form of dowry, often giving a big wedding gift, and the bride’s father “gives her away.”  Other forms of traditional marriage is when the man purchases a wife as mentioned above or when he is referred to as man. She is to love, honor, and obey him.

Many people have modified this traditional model, but they have only given it cosmetic modifications.  The attitude that underlies the model does not change.  The vows may say “husband and wife” and they may leave out the word “obey” but the woman is still viewed as a hired domestic servant to clean the house, make the meals, provide sex, and generally make a nice home for her husband.  His role is to simply go to work, something he would be doing anyway, and support her (aka pay for her services).  When children come along, she is on call 24-hours a day; she has primary, if not exclusive, child-rearing responsibilities.

Children from these marriages frequently suffer from a lack of father love.  They have to know that their father loves them rather actually experience his love.  Father is gone much of the time either working or visiting with his pals.  There is little time for hands on involvement with the day to day aspects of being a parent.

Modern traditional marriage (MTM). A variation on the traditional model has evolved over the course of the last generation.  It has many similar aspects in appearance to the traditional model, but the underlying belief system is dramatically different.  In the modern traditional marriage, the couple does not subscribe to roles by gender.  They couple does not hold to fixed beliefs based on cultural or religious mores or social customs. They base their decisions on circumstances and practicality, not on expectations or gender.  These modern couples often are comprised of two people each with a career and/or job.  TM presumed that the woman could not have a career; in fact, until 1920 women could not vote.  College and careers where virtually unheard of.  MTM couples view their partner as an equal in all areas, e.g., financial matters, parenting, and chores.  There is not such thing as women’s and men’s work, there is just work.  These couples decide on home maintenance issues based on the principal of who is best suited for the task.  When it comes to children, they are very sophisticated.  They frequently have taken parenting workshops and have read child development books.  They understand that parenting is more than shelter, food, and clothing.  They know that a child needs both parents to grow up psychologically healthy.  And what is more, they both want to be actively involved in their child’s life.  While it may turn out that they decide that the woman might be better suited to be the at-home parent, it is more often on the basis of a well thought out plan, than on the basis of gender.  Furthermore, it is agreed that regardless of who will be the at-home parent, the other parent is expected to take over parenting responsibilities when he or she comes home from work.  They recognize that parenting is a 24/7 job of both parents.

Partnership Marriage (PM). This model developed with the changing attitudes about women. As women realized their potential and expected equality in the workplace, they also expected it their marriage and relationships in general.  The partnership marriage is a model for couple who wish to maintain a two-career household.  In the PM the parties recognize their relationship contains both intimacy and business aspects and both need to be addressed.  Since they are both pursuing a career path they have to decide on how the chores and financial matters of their marriage should be addressed.  They divide the household chores equally with each party doing his or her part by mutual agreement. It is not gender based.  Once they have negotiated the business of marriage, they are free to explore and enjoy the intimate connection between them.  Should they chose to have children, childcare is divided and co-parenting is the rule.  The couple explores obtaining child-care from other providers including relatives, childcare specialists, and nursery and preschool to supplement their individual participation in childcare.

Alternative Marriage (AM).  This model has many variations.  One of the most common of them starts out similar to the PM, but when children enter the picture, it is the father who becomes “Mr. Mom.”  This model assumes that either party can be an effective parent. Another AM is where both partners choose to share a single job such that both are available for childcare activities.  A third AM is one in which childcare activities are shared by several families.  Children grow up know that they have primary parents, but they also have several surrogate parents to whom to turn and who have care-taking responsibilities.

As we accept multiple models of marriage recognizing that they are all equal and feel free to choose amongst them, people can decide which will work best for them given their circumstances. There is no one ideal marriage; they are all viable and equal, each with its own set of advantages and disadvantages.

[Dr. Dreyfus is a nationally recognized clinical psychologist, relationship counselor, sex therapist, and life coach in the Santa Monica - Los Angeles area treating low sexual desire, premature ejaculation, sexual addictions, drug and alcohol abuse as well marriage and relationship communication and intimacy issues. The profits from his latest book, LIVING LIFE FROM THE INSIDE OUT along with his other five books, are being donated to Chrysalis: Changing Lives Through Jobs and Make A Wish Foundation.  All of his books are available on Amazon.com. Please become a fan on my Facebook Fanpage by indicating "like" on the page by clicking here.  You can also find more tools to help you experience a more fulfilling life by clicking here to visit my website.]

Tags: feminism, human connection, living consciously, Relationships

This entry was posted on Wednesday, April 20th, 2011 at 7:05 am and is filed under Marriage, Personal Growth, Relationships, Self-help. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.