A couple came to see me recently precipitated by the wife discovering that her husband had visited a massage parlor where, in an addition to a regular massage, he received what is known in the massage business as a “happy ending”, i.e., the masseuse masturbated him to orgasm.
The wife was livid and hurt stating that her husband was being unfaithful to her and that the massage he had received was no different than an affair. The husband claimed that he did not go to the massage parlor with the intent of receiving a “happy ending”, but rather it was offered when the masseuse began massaging his genitals; he simply went along with it. His wife retorted by saying what he did was no different than had he accepted a proposition from a prostitute.
I asked the husband how he would have felt were the shoe on the other foot. In other words, would it be OK with him if he learned that it wife went for a massage, and the masseur gave his wife a full body massage including a “happy ending.” He did not have to think very long before responding by saying “no, that would not be OK; I would be jealous.” And then, after a moment’s pause, he said “if it were a masseuse who gave her a “happy ending” I would be surprised but turned on!”
It soon became clear that the husband was holding onto a sexist attitude that views men and women as being held to a different standard regarding sexuality. In his male oriented way of thinking, for him sex was merely sex. And therefore, his act of permitting the “happy ending” was not an act of infidelity. It was merely a complete massage as he would give himself in the shower. And for his heterosexual wife to engage in what he construed as a lesbian connection, would merely be the realization of a frequently held male fantasy of seeing two women engaged in a sexual activity. But for his wife to be have her genitals touched by another man was a violation of their relationship; her genitals belonged to him! He viewed men as merely engaging in a physical activity like they do sports, but believing that for women it is a much more intimate act.
He did not feel guilty about what he did because for him it was not an affair. It was not an infidelity. He did not intend to tell her about it just as he does not tell her when he watches pornography or when he masturbates. Disclosures of this kind are not part of their relationship.
This couple wanted to work on their marriage. Rather than simply ending the marriage because of this act, they wanted to learn something about one another and deepen the level of intimacy between them. This event was bruising, perhaps even causing a fracture, but it was not a major break. They knew they could heal and get beyond it. But they were also committed enough to want to grow from this incident. They began to talk more intimately about their feelings about one another, what marriage meant to them, and more specifically, they began to talk more openly about sex, something they had not done previously.
They talked about the role of fantasy in their sexual life, as well as the role of pornography. She recognized, for example, that she could tolerate certain types of pornography, e.g., she enjoyed 50 Shades of Grey finding the explicitly sexual scenes in the book arousing. This changed her attitude toward her husband whom she knew liked reading the stories in Penthouse magazine. As they explored these areas of their life together, they became more open with each other and developed a stronger bond.
His visit to the massage parlor and subsequently to marriage counseling, resulted in their achieving a happy ending.
What would you have done in their situation? What are your thoughts?
*********
[Dr. Dreyfus is a nationally recognized clinical psychologist, relationship counselor, sex therapist, and life coach in the Santa Monica - Los Angeles. The profits from his latest book, LIVING LIFE FROM THE INSIDE OUT along with his other five books, are being donated to charity through the website Book Royalties for Charity and can be purchased through Amazon.com. Please become a fan on his Facebook Fan Page by indicating "like" on the page by clicking here. You can also find more tools to help you experience a more fulfilling life by clicking here to visit his website.]
Tags: awareness, communication, dialogue, feminism, human connection, intimacy, life enrichment, marriage, men and masculinity, Relationships, Sexuality, women's psychology
In almost every case I know of, husbands visit massage parlors becase their wives have neglected their sexual needs repeatedly over the years. And, almost every one of these husbands want their wives to give them the happy ending … but, the wives do not. So, the husbands have very limited options and the massage parlor is the least risky and least expensive.
So, if the wife went for happy endings while still neglecting the husband, then it is in fact a different set of circumstances. The wife goes because she does not want to have sexual relations with the husband … while the husband goes because the wife does not want sexual relations with him.
Men stray when wives ignore them. Start taking care of your husband and he stops going to massage parlors. Simple, but more than 50% of wives hate to admit they lose interest in sex.
Im assuming “Mr? Cape Cod Paulie….
The above MAY be true in many cases. However, not in mine! HAPPILY married (or i thought) no fights, GREAT SEX, NEVER have i said no! I give a mean bj with a twist and a ball tug…. and LOVE it!! Just found out that my man has been several times…
Its a SELFISH addiction which he is “acting” out…. Also brought home warts
thanks god they are on hiss ass and i was not exposed to them! He must have gotten the xtra prostate rub 10 DOLLA!!! Im so angry i cant see straight, or eat, or sleep!
Not sure i am going to be able to put this one or WANT to put this one back together. Trust GONE, Betrayal here… perhaps to stay???
I just dont get how someone who is supposed to love you, can do such a narcissistic, devious, sociopathic act (that would be all the lying & hiding) HATE HATE HATE is not a feeling i like to feel!!! uuuuuuuuug & OUCH & a whole lotta tears!!
KH, you husband is a fool. Any wife who is almost always receptive to a husbands sexual needs is not only a rare breed, but the type of wife husbands dream of. Unfortunately, most wives either do not enjoy sex or lose interest in sex early into a marriage (once children are born). The amount of stress due to the lack of affection, causes a ton of additional anxiety placed onto a husband. Keep in mind, the husband already has significant amount of stress and pressure (providing for the family, etc.). This can cause the husband to seek some type of relief outside of a marriage.
I think your husband has other issues he needs to confront. In this case, it appears he strays not due o lack of sex at home.
My husband and I have been married a really long time; I’ve never said no to him either. In fact, even if I’m exhausted, have a headache, or any number of legitimate ailments, like pneumonia once, I would always give him an awesome BJ, even if I was too sick to do anything else. That’s how much I love him and want to keep him sexually satisfied. Well, one day when he was supposed to be at an out of town business meeting, he was actually at a happy ending strip club, worse than the massage I’ll tell you. Like he wasn’t allowed to touch her with his hand, but she rubbed her naked crotch on his leg, while giving him a “handy dandy” (nice name, hah?).He didn’t tell me. I found out from someone who saw him going in (50 miles from home). So, you see, you never know if you’re being watched. I am sick over this. Pleasing him used to be my favorite thing to do. Do you think I really want to please him now? He had it made. I really doubt he’ll ever find another woman so willing to please him whenever. In my book, he blew it, and I’ll never blow it again. He can go see his “handy dandy” girl when he needs help. I’m serious. I don’t give second chances. I’m divorcing him. I feel completely used and disrespected, and there is nothing he can do to change my mind. I know he is sorry, but he should of realized the potential consequence before, and never let it happen. He just read this and cried. I’ve never seen him really cry before. My feeling is he seems sad and really sincere. But I am sincere too. To My Hubby: Go see “handy dandy”. She is your chick now. Goodbye forever! Yes, “Boo Hoo” to you too.