Dr. Dreyfus' blog with additional information

Dear Dr. D:
Can you tell me why my boyfriend would rather sneak behind my back and watch porn, rather than enjoy it with me? We have been together for over a year and we are both 41 years, good looking and in good shape. I am not jealous and willing to experiment sexually. Yet he won't include me in his sexual masturbation fantasies; his deception and excluding me has really made me feel insecure. Please help me understand what the problem is?

Dr. D:
I receive a large number of questions from women trying to understand men and their relationship to pornography and masturbation. It is a very common for women to think that a man’s interest in pornography reflects disinterest in the woman and perhaps that the man finds her unattractive.

In order to understand a man’s sexual behavior one has to understand how a male develops from the time he first discover his penis. When he discovers his penis as a source of pleasure, he learns to masturbate. However, masturbation is often viewed as a shameful activity. In some homes and churches, masturbation is viewed as a sin or least an activity that is frowned upon. Hence, it creates a conflict between what is bad or sinful and that which is pleasurable. Most of the time pleasure wins out, but leaves the man feeling guilty. As with most sinful or guilt-ridden acts, it becomes an activity that goes underground. It becomes an activity that must be kept hidden and private.

Another aspect of male sexuality is that men are very visual in their sexual appetites. They enjoy looking at women, looking at movies of women, looking at pictures in magazines, peeking under dresses, looking down at cleavages, and peeking through keyholes. All of this activity has to be done on the sly. That is, from the time they were boys, they don’t want to be discovered doing this forbidden activity; in this case merely looking becomes forbidden. Doing that which is forbidden becomes associated with sexual excitement. Having sex in forbidden places is an offshoot of this pursuit of the sinful. It adds to the pleasure. In the beginning men hide their Penthouse, Playboy, or Hustler magazines in the closet or under the mattress. Then they hide their other pornographic material.

Putting it all together we find that both looking and masturbation are “sinful” activities that must be kept hidden and done in secret.

This is a long-winded discourse that might help you understand your mate and allay your insecurities. Your boyfriend’s masturbatory activity, in and of itself, has very little to do with you. He did it long before you came into his life. However, if boyfriend prefers his solitary activity to engaging in sexual play with you, then there may be a problem. If your sexual life with him is satisfactory, your insecurity is unwarranted and something that you might want to explore. One activity should not be at the expense of the other. Perhaps you and he ought to have a conversation that focuses on the nature of your relationship rather than on his masturbatory behavior.

Dear Dr. D:
Any time my husband I try to talk with my husband about anything that is even slightly unpleasant he pushes me and the subject away? We can’t talk about hardly anything because he views it as unpleasant to him and doesn’t like being in unpleasant and uncomfortable situations. When we do talk about things that are important but may be unpleasant, it ends up ruining the night or day. He does not want to confront anything, preferring to push it all under the rug. The more I attempt to talk with him, the more he looks at me has being unpleasant. He just wants things to be happy and pleasant all of the time. Recently It went through a rough time and I was upset a lot. Instead of supporting and comforting me, he pushed me away. Now associates me with misery every time he talks or sees me. I am in the process of trying to get him to associate me with happiness when he talks or sees me. What do you think ?

Dr. D:
Let’s see if I get it. Your husband is adverse to any kind of real conversation, preferring to keep all conversation on the light and pleasant. He tends to live in denial when it comes to dealing with some of the unpleasantness of life, pushing things aside. You, on the other hand, want to engage in discussion of these issues and seek resolution as a couple. When you approach him with these concerns, he backs away and views you as the carrier of unpleasantness and then backs away from you. Recently you have gone through some personal difficulties that only serve to add to the problem. Now associates you with discomfort and unhappiness.

I have three thoughts. The first is that I wonder just how much “unpleasant” conversation dominates your relationship. If I were to ask your husband for his point of view, how would he describe it? Would he say that you are a chronic complainer? Would he say that you have a gloom cloud over your head? Would he say that you make all issues bigger than they are and worry too much? The second thought has to do with him. What was his history in relationships, especially with women? Does he tend to avoid intimate relationships once there is conflict? Does he view women solely as a source of pleasure? My third thought has to do with whether you and your husband have ever had a serious conversation as to what you each expect from marriage and from each other?

Dear Dr. D:
I've been separated for 4 years and divorced for two. I can't seem to move on. My husband had an affair after eight years of marriage and we tried to work it out and lived together for 21 years after the affair. I don't think that I ever forgave him. I saw him for about eight months last year and still resented him. He suggested we have no more contact and haven't for the last six months. I found out this weekend that he is intimate with someone else. Two days later he calls to pick up some personal items that were left in my home. I was very hostile to him on the phone. Why can't I let go? I can't sleep, can't eat and can't think of anything except him and this other person. I'm depressed and just want to cry.

Dr. D:
One of the most difficult experiences for people to endure is betrayal by a spouse. When a spouse has an affair, he or she violates the intimate bond and trust that is the foundation of a relationship. The affect on the betrayed spouse can feel devastating, often undermining his or her self-esteem. The magnitude of the reaction to the betrayal will depend in large measure upon the ego strength and self-esteem of the person who was betrayed. Of course, there will be anger, hurt, and resentment. If the person has a high self-esteem and is able to confront the betrayer with his or her infidelity expressing the anger and hurt and receiving sincerely delivered act of contrition and apology with a request for forgiveness, it is often possible for couples to move on and develop a stronger relationship than they previously had. If, on the other hand, there is either no redemption on the part of the betrayer or there is no forgiveness on the part of the betrayed spouse, the resentments may build and eventually undermine, not only the relationship, but also the spirit of the one who was betrayed. Forgiveness is essential for one to move on.

In your situation, it appears that you have not completely dealt with your ex-husband's infidelity and what it meant to you personally. Apparently you have interpreted his affair as reflecting something negative about you, leaving you perceiving yourself in an inferior or less than position. You seem to have identified you self-worth with his behavior toward you as though his behavior reflects your value. When he had the affair you viewed his behavior as saying that you were insufficient. Now that he has found someone new and is moving on with his life, you interpret it as confirming your belief. Furthermore, it appears that though you continued to be married, you did not fully forgive him for his transgression. Holding on to resentments prevents us from moving forward.

I would strongly recommend that you seek the help of a licensed mental health professional to help you sort through your feelings so that you can move on with your life in a healthy and productive way.

Dear Dr. D: My husband and I are both 25 years old and have been married for five years. We have a four year old son. It seems that we are constant in battle with one another. First it was about how he seemed to always side with his sister on every issue with regard to our life. She is his closest friend. Now that that has stopped, we argue about sex. He gets angry when I do want to have sex as much as he does. I am willing to have make love with him once a week. However, I used to enjoy sex, now it is a duty. In addition to raising our son, I try to do things around the house to make him happy. It seems that nothing I can do will please him. I would love to feel the way I used to about him and about love-making. What can I or we do?

Dr. D: You and your husband married at 20 years of age and shortly thereafter had a child. You were barely out of your teens. You have a big responsibility taking care of child, a house and a husband. You don’t say much about your relationship, but I surmise that you and your husband may not have learned how to communicate well and probably don’t have common interests other than your child. Most couples who marry young have only their parents as models for marriage, and those models are not usually very good. So you are left to find out for yourself about what it means to be married. Children take up a great deal of time. They can be exhausting. It is easily a two-person job. Some couples learn how to share the responsibilities. Others, grow apart, each pursuing their own interests. This is a recipe for disaster. Sex becomes the only point of intimate connection. And when that is problematic, there is no point of connection.

In your situation it sounds like neither your child nor sex is seen as a way to connect with one another. I suggest that you seek the help of a competent marriage counselor – together – to discuss how you might find ways to re-vitalize and re-invent your marriage. Marriage counseling can afford each of you the opportunity to discuss the issues that are driving you apart. You owe this to your child and to each other.

Dear Dr. D: I'm a 53 year old male, currently separated for over two years from a partner with whom I lived for nearly17 years before getting married. The marriage took place despite the fact that we were having extreme stresses and difficulties at that stage of our relationship. After the marriage, I was unsettled and unhappy about the relationship, and I resented the marriage, but I went along because my wife thought it was the right thing to do for financial security reasons. I then had an affair which precipitated the separation. I think I'm still very much in love with the other woman, but I can't face divorce because of the pain I will cause, but I also know I will be resigned to the marriage. What steps should I take to resolve my conflict?

Dr. D: It appears that you have been unhappy for over half of your life. You married despite all of the warning signals that this relationship was not going well. Apparently neither of you decided that it was either time to quit or, at the very least, to seek professional help for yourselves and the relationship. I think it is about time that you took a good hard look at yourself and what you want out of life. You seem to be rather passive in your life, taking direction from women. You might want to think about what you want your life to be; what are your vision, your mission, and your values? And once you have a vision, you should then take steps toward achieving that vision. It is difficult to say from your brief description of your situation whether a life coach or a psychotherapist would be in the better position to help you. In either case, however, it is high time that you sought consultation for the next chapters of your life.

Dear Dr. D: I was stupid enough to have a relationship with a married man. We've been together for two years. He has been married for nine years. Recently, his wife who has always been emotionally abusive, found out about us and has done a complete turn around. She is suddenly willing to go to therapy, to think about his needs, etc. after nine years of the absolute opposite behavior. He says he loves me and has always maintained that he wont let her 'trap' him again (they were married because she got pregnant). Yet she's once again manipulated him (even after she kicked him out of his home, wrote me a letter about how terrible he is, and forbade him from talking to his kids) and he's decided to "give her another chance". I love him too much to let her hurt him again and I see it happening all over. What do I do?

Dr. D: The short answer to your question is “bail.” It is time for you to move on and create a life for yourself without him. Having an affair with a married man, especially with children, and expecting him to leave his wife because he says he loves you, is an old story. Unfortunately a great many women fall for it, thinking that they will be the one who is going to be so loved that the man will be willing to sacrifice his family for her. More often than not, these women have a great need to be able to prove that they can be loved more the man’s current wife. Some say, that this stems from an unconscious wish for their fathers to love their daughter more than they loved their wives. Regardless of the reasons why you were available to have an affair with a married man (that’s something to be discussed with your psychotherapist), the bottom line is that you should bid him a fond farewell. He is a big boy, making grown up decisions. He does not need saving. But perhaps you do.

Dear Dr. D: I had suspected my husband of cheating for maybe 9-10 months with a co-worker of his. I confronted him numerous times and he has denied it, but I could feel him pulling away little by little. I got a hold of our detailed billing for our cell phones and found numerous calls to this certain co-worker and confronted him and his response was that they were just friends. But they would call each other 10-12 times a day at work. We are now separated and I am not sure if I should believe him.

Dr. D: Let’s see... you confronted your husband on numerous occasions with your allegations. Now you have hard evidence that your husband has been having an intimate relationship (10-12 phone calls a day sound pretty intimate!), he continues to deny it, your separated, and now you are wondering whether you should believe him. The fact is, you don’t believe him and every bone in your body says he has been cheating on you. If you need more evidence, call up the woman. You have the phone number. Find out from her. Your letter does not say how you and your husband came to separate. Did you leave or did he? Is he seeing this other woman? Does he want to make the marriage work? If so, make an appointment with a marriage counselor and get to work on it. If he doesn’t want to go for help with marriage, you will have further evidence that something is amiss.

Dear Dr. D: I am 23 year old boy. My father has always treated me like shit. When I say what I feel, he says I should thank him for the food he has put in my mouth and my mother always protects him. Should I leave home now? Should I leave home when I finish my degree? Should I never leave home because I have social difficulties and I haven't got any friends? We have been through a lot of psychologists for many years and there is a lot of anger in me. I blame my parents for my abnormalities.

Dr. D: You’re 23 years old and you still refer to yourself as a boy. You may think of yourself as a boy and you may feel like a boy, you are a man. However, if you continue to live in your parents home under the conditions that you have described, you will never be giving yourself the opportunity to grow up. Learning how to socialize in the world is a trial and error proposition. We all go through it and manage to survive. I suggest that you contact your state psychological association to find out where you can get into group therapy. You might want to contact one of your previous psychologists for a referral. Group therapy can be an invaluable aid for both helping you with your social difficulties as well as your anger. It is time to start taking care of yourself in spite of what ever damage your parents may or may not have done. Blaming won’t get you anywhere. Whether you move on with your life is up to you.

Dear Dr. D: I love my husband but I don't like him as a person. We have two kids together whom we both adore. But he can be a very cold hearted, insensitive jerk whom no one wants to deal with. And on top of everything else, he has such a short temper that everything upsets him and we end up not speaking for days at a time. Our vacations and holidays routinely get ruined because we get into an argument over something or other. Believe me, some of those reasons are so menial it's not even worth mentioning. I've been with him 10 years and almost divorced once before, but nothing seems to work. I try to deal with his attitude the best way that I can, but I'm running out of patience. What do I do with the relationship?

Dr. D: You love your husband, but you don’t like him. You both love your kids. Is the marriage that you have and is the way in which you and your husband interact the model you both wish to imbed in your children? Your children’s attitudes about marriage, about men and women, are being formed by watching you and your husband. Exposing them to your husband’s outbursts, to his coldness, and your silence, is not in their best interests.

Perhaps if you suggest to your husband that since you know he adores the children, he is not serving them well by letting his temper get out of control. Ask him what he thinks your children’s memories will be of family vacations. Ask him if he would like for your daughter to marry a man who treats her the way in which he treats you. Ask him if he would want his son to treat his wife the way he treats you. Ask him if he would like your children to have a marriage like yours. Tell him, if he does not like the picture, he must do something to change it. Your children will model after you. What you do matters and will affect them for the rest of their lives. If this catches his attention, suggest that you both seek the help of a marriage counselor and that he seek the help of a psychologist specializing in anger management. If this does not catch his attention, then it might be necessary for you to follow through on thoughts about separation. Sometimes a mule needs to be hit over the head with a two-by-four just to catch his attention!

Dear Dr. D: I have a mate who lives in Ireland. I live in Nova Scotia. I’m divorced; she is separated for over a year. I’m 53 and she is 48. We have been together for 10 months now and we love each other very much. Only her two grown kids are unhappy. One is a 17-year-old son who still lives with his mother. The other is a 26-year-old daughter who is out of the house. My mate has told them that she loves me and it’s her life and not theirs. My mate has told me that they have abused her and teased her a lot. I lost $810 on a plane ticket because I wanted to surprise her on her birthday. When they found out I was coming to visit they abused and made fun of her again. I want to move over there and be with her and to confront her daughter and son. She is afraid of them for what they might say to me and what they might do to her. I’m not afraid; I know how to speak my own mind. She wants me to wait a few years before going over there to be with her. I think that the kids are the real problem; they don’t like their mother being happy for the first time in her life. What should we do?

Dr. D: The situation seems to be that you are having a relationship with a 48 year old, married woman who is enmeshed with her grown children and who lives hundreds of miles from you. You seem to think that it is your responsibility to confront her children and perhaps take charge of her life. She has told you that she wants to wait several years but you want to move ahead in spite of her protestations. So what you are saying is that you would rather control her life instead of her children. The problem is not the children; the problem is yours. My suggestion to you is to let her know that you are interested in pursuing a relationship with her only when she has completed her divorce and when she has made the decision that she is going to run her own life and act accordingly. In the meantime, move on.

Q: I am a recent divorcee, 27, with a 4 year-old boy. My ex-husband, who initiated the divorce, had left me a total of 4 times in our 5 year marriage. During our year-long divorce, he also came around 3 times attempting to "work this out." All three times he cut it off, saying he was sorry but offering no explanation. He cycles through periods of extreme animosity toward me, then guilt later, in which he apologizes profusely and claims that I deserve much better than him. A few weeks ago he claimed he was willing to do anything to remarry me and regain his family.

What would warrant a person to behave so erratically? And what is the best action for me to take? Every time I've been "available” and gone out on an emotional limb, I end up crushed, which leads me to think that tough love may be the best for him. However, more than anything I would love to see this relationship healed- for good. Any advice you could offer would be so wonderful.

Dr. D: The real issue here is not what makes your husband behave so "erratically." The question should be, why do you continue to be "available" to him. It may not be he who needs "tough love," but YOU. Your situation reminds me of the Peanuts cartoon where each year Lucy holds the football and Charlie Brown comes running to kick the football, at which point Lucy pulls the ball away and Charlie ends up flat on his back. The issue is not why Lucy continues to pull the ball away, but why Charlie persists in thinking "this time it will be different." Your situation is the same as Charlie's. Take a look at your own motivations rather than bothering yourself about your ex-husband's motivation. Are you addicted to being hurt? Have you forgotten how to find a life for yourself? Are you desperate? I understand that you have a four year old boy and that you may be concerned about his growing up without a father. Have you thought about what it will be like for him to grow up with a mother who takes this kind of emotional abuse? What does it teach him about women? What does it teach him about how men should treat women? My advice: move on and get a life. How's that for tough love?

Q: I am 25 years old and I've been in a relationship for two years. I love my boyfriend and we plan on getting married in the next two years. Lately, however, he has been getting on my nerves. Even the way he laughs when he calls me bothers me. And I rarely want to have sex with him. I'd rather just lay down and watch TV with him. All we do is argue. When we go out and have a nice time, but by the end of the night we're arguing. I am so tired of it. Is it time for me to take some time out?

Dr. D: Your boyfriend's laugh gets on your nerves, you don't want to have sex with him, and you argue all of the time. Yet you say that you want to get married? Hmmm, perhaps you ought be re-examining your relationship altogether. Think about spending the rest of your life with someone with whom you do not want to have sex and with whom you argue all of the time. From what you have said, it would appear that you can't even go out on a date together without arguing. Many times people can enjoy each other's company, but when they consider making a lifetime commitment, their expectations change. Just as a house might make a satisfactory rental, it might not be a satisfactory home to buy. The standards for each are different. Perhaps this is the case with your boyfriend; you might make satisfactory dating companions or possibly friends, but when you think about marriage your expectations change.

Q: I have a great relationship with my boyfriend, and we have great sex. We've been together for four years and our love gets stronger everyday. But he has an habit that I can not tolerate. He watches porno and sometimes masturbate with it. I feel betrayed and it drives me crazy. Why does he do that if he is in love, happy and sexually pleased with me?

Dr. D: This is not an uncommon issue. As sexually explicit material becomes increasingly available through the anonymity of the Internet, more and more people seem to avail themselves of it. Anonymity plays a large part in its use. One does not have to go through the potential embarrassment of going to the pornography section of the local video store. But why, you may ask, would a person who is in a committed relationship where sex is readily available avail him or herself of pornography. Pornography allows people to act out sexual fantasies and to do so with multiple partners without running the risk of disease, infidelity, punishment, etc. People often fantasize about being with other people even when they are having sex with their partner. They masturbate even when in a relationship. In and of itself there is nothing abnormal about either of these behaviors. It becomes a problem when: (1) the behavior becomes addictive; that is, when it interferes with one's social life, work life, or family life. (2) when pornography and masturbation becomes preferable to sex with a real person or a real relationship; (3) when it is a cover for something amiss in one's primary relationship. That is, when something is missing in the primary relationship or when there is a relationship issue that is not being addressed. (4) when the behavior adversely affects one's partner.

In your case I wonder whether you have addressed the issue with your boyfriend to find out what this behavior means to your boyfriend. It appears that you may have addressed the issue with anger or hurt rather than with the goal of sincerely wanting to understand what it means to him. You might also want to ask yourself the question as why you feel threatened by his activity. If you cooked for him and he enjoyed your cooking, but he also fantasized about food other than your cooking or liked watching cooking shows, etc., would it be upsetting to you? Should he never feed himself? You probably would not feel that he does not like you or your food nor would you feel betrayed. Why is this sexual activity upsetting to you? Why do you experience it as a personal betrayal and personal affront rather than just something he enjoys that has nothing to do with you? Why do you feel jealous of or competitive with his fantasy life? Perhaps you both should spend some time, alone and together, exploring both his behavior and your reactions. Such an exploration might give you a deeper understanding of each other and yourselves.

Q: My girlfriend and I have been living together for three years. We love each other and are very attached. We have a strong friendship and common interests. One would think that we have everything. The one area that we do not have, however, is in the sexual arena. There does not seem to be any chemistry. We have become more like best friends who live together than lovers. She says she loves me but that she does not have that feeling. I feel rejected and depressed. Do I have to let her go so she can find the passion she wants elsewhere? Is there something I can do to make our relationship more sexual?

Dr. D: Yours is not a unique situation. Often couples, whether married or not, find that once they hook-up and live together something happens to their sexual relationship. While there may have been a lot of sex before they moved in together or married, it seems to dwindle afterwards. They become more like close friends than passionate lovers. There are many causes for this; there is no "one size fits all" answers. For some people the anticipation of being together created an atmosphere of excitement. Once the relationship settles in, that excitement is no longer present. The couple settles into a routine with little new to discover. In other relationships, especially when people marry, the issue may be the expectations that people have when they marry. All of us are influenced by the model of marriage that we see around us. We bring our past with us. If we observed parents who were not passionate about one another, for example, we will bring that model into our relationships. If we have stereotypes in our head of what is expected of a husband or wife, we will act according to those stereotypes. Any many times those models and stereotypes do not include sexual passion. In order to overcome these prescribed patters of behavior, the couple must create a new model that will work for them. It is too easy to simply slip into comfortable modes of behavior. As yourself what your relationship looks like from the outside, as if you were watching a movie. Does it look exciting, filled with discovery, and adventure? Are you being as interested and interesting as you were before you lived together? Have the two of you talked about the type of relationship you want to create? Or have you simply gone from day to day without putting a lot of energy in maintaining the freshness of your relationship? Relationships, to remain exciting and fresh, demand constant work on the part of both parties. Relationships cannot be taken for granted. Ask yourself how you and you girlfriend have let you relationship slide and what you both can do to enrich it?

Q: My wife and I have been married for 6 months and were both virgins before marriage. She complains that I'm horrible in bed. She wants me to come inside of her without ANY form of birth control but we are poor and cannot afford a baby. I had told her before marriage that I don't want to have a baby until 2-3 years after marriage. She has a history of being abused once (not raped) and seems to have trust issues with me even though I have been absolutely faithful. Is it true that coming inside of her without any birth control mechanism makes a difference for the woman? Needless to say, she has not had orgasm yet with me :( but she has in the past masturbated to reach orgasm (not while with me). What should I do?

Dr. D: There seems to be more than one issue to be resolved. First there is the issue of the orgasm. Second is the issue of your love-making ability and your wife being able to achieve orgasm with you. Third is the issue of whether the two of you want to have children now. Fourth is the issue of trust. These issues may all be intermingled.

There is no physical difference between an orgasm achieved with or without using birth control (with the exception of a condom where some women do say they miss feeling the ejaculate during the man's orgasm.) None of these birth control devices affect the woman's ability to achieve orgasm.

It is difficult to respond to the issue of your love-making ability. Love-making is similar to dancing, where the two partners have to learn and discover through practice the style of love-making that is pleasing to each of you. The key to good love-making is good communication and the willingness of both partners to be a good teacher and student where each learns from the other what is and is not pleasing. The fact that your wife is able to achieve orgasm through masturbation suggests that she should be able to teach you how to help her achieve orgasm. Since you say that you were both virgins when you married, I wonder how your wife knows what is or is not "good in bed." Perhaps your inexperience could lead to discovery on both of your parts providing you are both open to learn.

The issue of whether you BOTH have agreed that you will delay having children is an important one. It appears that your wife is not in total agreement with your wishes. This issue should be addressed directly between you. It may well be that your wife's insecurities in the relationship are prompting her to want to conceive immediately in order for her to feel more secure in the marriage. For her it might be a sign of your commitment. This may also relate to the issue of trust. If you are not able to resolve these issues between you, the resulting conflict could result in sexual difficulties. Most sexual difficulties are a symptomatic of an underlying issue or issues in the relationship.

Q: I have known Jennie for several years. We have been close friends. We have similar interests, values, and outlooks on life. I enjoy her company immensely. We discuss our dating life, our problems, work, etc. As the years have gone by, I have found myself thinking of Jennie as more than just a friend. I would like to have a romantic relationship with her. However, I am afraid that if I put my feelings on the table I might spoil a good friendship, especially if she is not interested. Even if she is interested and we give it a try and it does not work out, I may lose the friendship. I don't know which way to turn.

Dr. D: It is a wonderful thing for a friendship to be the basis of a romance. When lovers are best friends the relationship stands more of a chance of surviving the ups and downs that are inevitable in any relationship. Sometimes it may seem difficult to make the switch from friends to lovers. Part of the reason that we think it is difficult is because the whole idea of romance carries with it excess baggage. There are implicit and often unrealistic expectations associated with romantic relationships. We think of romance in fanciful terms, where a degree of manipulation, role-playing, play-acting, and general inauthenticity occurs. In truth, moving a friendship into romance requires the same kind of openness, candor and honesty that is the basis of the friendship already. Hence, adding romance to a friendship is more transformational than a clear change in the nature of the relationship. Unfortunately, too often people feel that they must change their behavior to fit with some romanticized notion rather than simply to raise the level of intimacy. In order to move in the direction of romance, the friends would simply open the conversation with something like: "You know, Jennie, we have been friends for several months/years. I really like you and have enjoyed our time together. Lately, I have been having some additional feelings toward you and I am wondering whether you have been feeling similarly. I have been having romantic fantasies and feelings of taking our friendship to another level. How would you feel about that?"

Keep it Simple.
Be Straightforward.
Be Honest.
Be Self-disclosing.
Be Vulnerable.

Q: My wife and I have been separated for several months. She said she no longer loved me. We have been best friends for six years and married for four. She never seems happy. She claims that she has no love for either her mother, me, or anyone else. She expressed anger toward her father who had
been physically abusive toward her mother. When he committed suicide never shed a tear saying it was for the best. She has a way of shutting down her emotions. I thought if I gave her space she would be happy, but her ups and downs are getting worse. Is there any way I can help her?

Dr. D: It is hard for us to see those whom we love in pain. We want to help and we feel helpless. Your ex seems to be going through a serious depression and may be in need of professional help. Perhaps even anti-depressive medication in combination with psychotherapy. The problem is getting her to recognize that she needs help and then getting her to an appropriate resource. Unless she is harmful to herself or others, there is little that can be directly done to help. You might encourage her to talk
with her family physician or clergy person. Both of them could make a referral to a psychiatrist or psychologist.

Q: My brother has been separated from his wife for about a month and a half. They have two sons ages 9 and 6. They have been married for almost 11 years. At first, his wife wanted a divorce and he did not. Now it is the other way around. They have been in marriage counseling for about a month. About two weeks ago my brother started dating another girl who has a 7 year-old son of her own. The boy's father is not involved in the boy's life. My brother's kids do not know about it yet, but his wife does, and she is not happy about it. My entire family is really unhappy about what he is doing and we are really concerned about his well-being and most importantly, the well being of his children. We feel that my brother is
not doing the right thing. Please write me back and let me know what we can do to help him and his kids. Is it harmful to the children that he is doing this? What will they think if they find out? Please help!!

Dr. D: It is very difficult when someone we love is doing something with his life that we believe is harmful to himself and others. It is especially difficult when there are young children involved. What makes this situation different is that your brother and his wife are seeking professional help.
I imagine that your sister-in-law has brought up the issue with their marriage counselor and has discussed your brother's behavior and her concerns for the well-being of her children. My suggestion is to be as supportive of your brother as you can be as he struggles with issues that are important to him and his family. If you judge him, you run the risk
of alienating him. You do not have to like his behavior or agree with his choices, but they are his choices. Your brother may need your support as he struggles to work through the issues between him and his wife. If you choose sides in this matter you may be the big loser in the long run.


Q: My husband and I have been married for two years; we have a 10 months old baby. From the moment we met until I got pregnant everything was great. We had good sex and good communication. Starting the first day when we found out I was pregnant and continuing until the present everything
stopped there has been no sex, no communication, no kissing, no touching, no nothing. He won't even tell me what's wrong, or what can I do to help in reconstructing our relationship. He masturbates to porn movies on his own, spends time in computer chat-rooms talking to other women, and he places
or answers personal ads. He receives email pictures and letters from other women. Lately the only way I communicate with him is by writing him emails in which I tell him what and how I feel. When he goes online to chat he locks the door to his room saying that he needs his privacy. Please tell me what to do to make him come around and change to the way he was the first time we met.

Dr. D: There is no single answer to why some men respond to becoming a father in this manner. Maturity, however, plays a big part. Some men are not mature enough to be married, not to mention to be a father. It seems that once your husband found out that he was going to be a father, he no longer saw you as his love. He saw you as the mother of his child.

Once some men marry and have children, they yearn to be single with all of the freedoms they imagine to go along with single life. They long to have sex with women whose bodies have not been changed by the wonder of childbirth. Being a father is perceived as an overwhelming responsibility. They want to think of themselves as young and single rather than old and
married. Having a child means saying goodbye to adolescence and the single life. And they may feel resentful, ashamed, angry, and trapped. They cannot find the words to express their feelings and may even be embarrassed by them. So they withdraw into a fantasy world.

Cyberspace provides a place for him to pretend he is a single man, with no responsibilities. Cyberspace offers men the opportunity to live out their fantasies without leaving their home. They can be single and have sex with nubile bodies; they can disguise themselves and play a role; cyberspace is
anonymous. He becomes whoever he says he is.

Unfortunately, this activity leaves you and your baby alone. Perhaps he wants you take action by asking him to leave. Perhaps you have to catch his attention by raising the issue of divorce with the possibility that he may leave you as a single mother. Sometimes drastic action is necessary to catch his attention. If you have tried to talk, suggested marriage
counseling or talking to your clergy, then you may have no alternative. One thing is clear; you are not going to change him to be the way he was when you first met. That time is over - for both of you. Now it is time to create something new or move on.


Q: My marriage recently ended at my request. This was after six months of marriage counseling. The issues were my husband's ambivalence toward wanting children, his feeling lost in the relationship, and his wanting to be with other women sexually. This was all mentioned and discussed in the
therapy sessions. However, I never viewed it as a serious hindrance to sustaining a marriage. I had two miscarriages with this man and he left me six weeks after the second one, saying he did not feel we had a relationship. He said he would return only if we went for counseling. I felt it took me to say finally it is over. Why would not a professional counselor suggest this?

Dr. D: You state that you do not think that your husband's ambivalence about wanting children, his feeling lost in the relationship, and his wanting to be with other women was not a hindrance to the marriage. It seems to me that this is the essence of why the marriage ended. Your
husband said he felt lost in the relationship, indicating that he felt that his needs and wants were not being considered in the relationship. Perhaps he
felt that you were controlling most of the relationship and there was no room for his opinions. He said that he was ambivalent about having children. Was he ambivalent because of his concerns about how the two of you would parent a child? Was he concerned about the viability of the relationship? Or was he uncertain about whether he wanted children? Wanting to be with other women sexually suggests that something was missing in the sexual relationship between the two of you. This is another major area in need of exploration. It is no wonder that the marriage counselor would not suggest divorce. There are too many issues in need of exploration and for which there could be resolution if the two of you had been willing to change. It is the counselor's role to explore the issues with you, not tell you to divorce. That is your decision.

Dr. Dreyfus' blog with additional information

For further information or consultation regarding psychological issues, or life coaching, you may contact Dr. Dreyfus by letter, phone, email, or fax.

You can e-mail him or call (310) 208-5700.